Mmmmm, big bird. I’ll be like you tomorrow–plumped up, sleepy, sedated…
I’ll have wine running through my veins, though, and tryptophan. I’ll listen to the 49ers and Ravens concuss each other, and I’ll be only half conscious. I’ll fall asleep, finally, on the couch, in my in-laws living room.
Imagine! Falling asleep too stuffed and boozy to move…at your in-laws house!! I am not Homer Simpson, so this strikes me as something never to do. But it is just what I will do. I’ve done it for the last 6 years. Next year, Christopher will do it for my parents. And our fathers and mothers and sisters will do the same for us. We’ll all make each other feel better about being lazy by being lazy. That is, after we’ve dragged ourselves to the Turkey Trot to feel somewhat better about the 3,000 calorie overload we plan for later in the day. Knocking 300 calories off of that in advance will sure feel gratifying. I can sense the waves of superiority and adrenaline already. Pass the gravy boat.
The only person who won’t get drunk and sleepy is Christopher’s mother. She’ll have the silver polished and re-arranged an hour after we’ve finished dinner. By midnight, all of the Christmas presents will be wrapped and stored away. Actually, she’s probably already done that. I see myself rising off of the couch at about 5am in search of water or Advil–just when she sits down to her morning papers and bowl of Fiber One. Then I’ll feel good that I’m in law school, because at least I normally behave like a moderately responsible adult. Don’t I? Can’t you tell that I am a responsible adult?
If you’ve got extra turkey, make this chili. No one said the turkey had to be ground. Use your chunks, your hunks, your otherwise sketchy sinews and bones for broth. Just use that big bird up. Remember that once upon a time, people were cold in November, and hungry sometimes. (Also: lest we forget, not too long ago, there were Indians in this country.) Maybe there is someone cold and hungry nearby and you don’t even know it. If you’re too sick of turkey to eat chili, make it for that person, or else just deliver your day-old drab slabs or meat and gray gravy. The thrill of this meal wears off faster than we all expect… unless you don’t have the privilege of passing out at 9pm, sweaty and stuffed.
Enjoy yourself this weekend. Eat much too much, feel bad, and let guilt propel you to do something nice. God bless Am’rca.